I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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