i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
