No, drunk sperm still make babies.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize