I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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