The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
