im about as happy as oj after his trial
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize