If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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