Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
