So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
