she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
