she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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