he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize