Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
