Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
