At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
it glows. i had to have it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
