I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
