Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
