I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
