It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
