I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
