I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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