if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
