dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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