If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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