I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
