Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
