Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Pooping to opera.
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