I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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