i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
