Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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