So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
