dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize