Kiss
Puke
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
