She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
