420 ftw
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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