Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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