I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize