fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize