i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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