Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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