that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
be right there i have to get my cape
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
