I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
