also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
