No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
