She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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