I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
