My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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