True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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