Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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