yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
