Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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