As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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