1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
