Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
