i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
