____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
