I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
organizing the empties. That sober.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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