Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
