Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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