Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
