may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
