you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
