he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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