she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You need Xanax blowdarts
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
